New Age Avoidism…
Avoidism is the new philosophy designed to save modern man from himself. The principle of Avoidism is simple. An Avoidists avoids things. He/She avoids because Nonavoinding leads to involvement, and most of mankind’s troubles have grown out of involement.
Descrates once said, “I think, therefore I am. The Avoidist says “I won’t, therefore I ain’t gonna”
Contemporary man is admittedly heading nowhere fast. This happened because man has an insatiable compulsion to prove himself as a unique and superior being.
It seems obvious that such attempts will lead to anxiety, frustration and dismay, to eventual neurosis (by far the best word in this article).
You see, Avoidism tells us we are already superior by the sheer virtue of belonging to the species of Homo Sapiens. (If you are are not such a species, please email me)
For example, think how superior we are to the common clam! Let us examine the differences between a Man and a Clam, shall we? I chose my good buddy, Harry, as a representative of a typical man and found an exceptional Nova Scotia clam who prefers to keeps remain anonymous.
After exhaustive tests, our team came to the following results, beyond all of our wildest expectations…
Harry vs Clam
Motor Ability: Harry +12 Clam +18
Sense of Humor: Harry +40 Clam +30
IQ : Harry +97 Clam +121
Physical Attractiveness: Harry: +3 Clam +12
Ability to remain under water: Harry: -53 Clam: +750
Tastes good with Horse Radish: Harry: -1 Clam: +60
Ability to keep mouth shut: Harry: -3 Clam: 100
Ping pong skills: Harry: +300 Clam: -143
These tests prove that Harry is clearly superior over the common Nova Scotia clam. (one critic, Dr. Klaus von Krusctraian, a noted expert, claimed that the differential in Harry’s favor was due entirely to the inclusion of Ping Pong, which he claimed was unfair.
…it now seems clear that any man is superior to the common Nova Scotia Clam
The Argument Against Avoidism…
Many reactionary folks will tell you that Avoidists are nothing but slobs
The Rebuttal to The Argument Against Avoidism
This is true
How to Become and Avoidist
This is not as easy easy as it first seems. Any new Avoidist should only listen to nothing. Frequently, though, you will find it necessary to take certain steps to make sure that there is nothing for you not to listen to.
Avoidist conversation should be employed immediately when someone inclines their torso towards you. The danger increases in direct proportion to the cube of the sine of the angle of inclination…calculated with MathLab!
Whenever this sort of danger happens, you may avoid by employing the Seven Tested Remarks!
The Seven Tested Remarks
- A girl I used to date is an Operator for a telephone company
- I got these socks four years ago in Thunder Bay
- I went to sleep last night at eight, but did not sleep until two
- I did not have much for Lunch today, just a Salad, pie and coffee
- My second nephew will be 8 next month, you should hear him talk
- I sure wish I had kept up with my piano lessons
- My hovercraft is full of eels
If you practice these remarks, you can avoid almost anyone!